Canto
XXIX
Gangster
Gospel
Canto XXIX
Petrus Romanus
See You at the Turnstile!
Hi. Welcome back to Eating Network's 'See You at the Turnstile!' with your host Rachel Pray!
Love gurus all agree that one of the best places to find true romance may be just right around the corner... AT THE CORNER GROCERY STORE!!! But first, you need to know both the right and wrong way to shop...
For instance, it is important when shopping to purchase only the most natural and organic produce. However, some artificial flavors and preservatives may be permissible as long as they do not alter the basic size, shape or texture of the produce (such as dyes, coloring and added nutrients.)
Always be sure to wash your produce before consumption -- (you don't know where it's been!) If you eat out a lot, make sure that the restaurants you frequent are clean and that their chefs always wear gloves -- (don't be afraid to ask to see their county health-inspection records.)
Ladies, if you're looking for a nice juicy rotisserie, always make sure that the chickens are free-range -- (nothing's worse than a pent-up cock!) Of course, there are those who would rather have dark meat, but before you bite into that succulent drumstick oozing with flavor, try to resist the temptation to play with your food, nibbling here and there with delicate and furtive bites, before suddenly lunging into it with that primal craving to suck the marrow right out of the bone! -- (pardon my fowl language!)
Guys, if you're looking for a nice pair of melons, always make sure that they're ripe, but not passed their prime... unfortunately, there are those who try to pass off their melons as fresh when, really, they've been expired for quite some time -- and then there are those who lie about their age in order to dupe you into purchasing illegal produce!... however, a visual inspection should be able to assuage any doubt in the event that there is any. Of course, you may also ask the grocer whether or not you are permitted to feel her melons and, if she agrees, then go ahead and hold one of them firmly but gently and give it a nice squeeze! Then try gripping the other melon laying adjacent to it with the other hand, squeezing both simultaneously in order to compare them... still not sure? Try thumping it delicately with the knuckle of your index finger -- (not too hard, you don't want to bruise it!) You can probably tell by the smacking sound it makes whether or not it's ripe for consumption, but if you're still not sure, then probably your grocer will be more than happy to assist you by feeling her own melons and letting you know whether or not they're ready!
While all melons are the same basic shape, they do vary in size (as do cocks), but people who are obsessed over the size of their portions are often unable to enjoy the meal (and who wants to dine with the jealous?) Sadly, some produce is damaged and/or deformed right off the tree (thus making them inedible), though at the conclusion of the harvest, these defects will be cured by the Husbandman -- no damaged produce in heaven; but in this world, such serve a divine purpose...
Men, just as you wouldn't partake of your own fruit, neither should you partake of the fruit of your seed or the immediate vine from which your fruit stemmed -- women, however, are at absolute physical liberty since they are mentally satiated (whereas men are physically satiated...), although women err if they usurp the male role mentally whereas men err if they usurp the female role physically -- there's a lot of fruits in the Garden of Eden, but none of them are 'fruity' if you know what I mean!
So thanks for tuning in! -- and now that you know how to shop, I'm sure that you'll have no trouble picking up that special someone the next time I... SEE YOU AT THE TURNSTILE!!!
The Eavesdropper
Peering over her shoulder, I read words perfectly scripted
Full of life and love and hope and hidden reveries encrypted
Deep beneath the quaint veneer,
a depth and wealth of knowledge lingers
All of this experience resting on the tips of ancient fingers
The Art of Pillow-Fu
grab you
over my shoulder, squealing
throw you on the bed, watch you
reeling
lunge for the pillows
you go for yours
(too late!)
feathers flying
up to the ceiling
you try to escape but then I
grab your sexy thigh
drag you to my side
as you try to stop my
pillowcide...
I can't wait to show this chick
My secret erotic trick:
First I'll rub some ice on it
As some hot mint tea I sip
Just lie back as yer teeth grit
Feeling yer temp'rature dip
As this ice cube starts to slip
Deep inside yer sexy hip
Unbeknownst to thee, I swish
Scalding hot tea with my spit
*rolling eyes* and *biting lip*
As you feel the hotttness hit
And those legs begin to kick
At my mentholated lick
Of yer now dilated ((CLIT))
New Jack Church
Where everyone is welcome... (unless you're one of them!)
WELCOME
"Blessings from the Father, Son and Holy Spinet!!"
I'm Peter the Roman, prophet of the new millennium!! (or is that millennia?) I keep forgetting which one is plural! Anyway, I've just started my own religion, I'm calling it 'New Jack Church' -- not affiliated with 'New Jack Church USA' (those guys are lost!)
So if you want to join the baddest anything-goes church in town, come on down, the Price (of your salvation) is Right!
Now let's take a look at what separates NJC from other Demon-nations:
Now you're probably no-doubt wondering how you can get involved in this life-altaring ministry! So go to www.newjackchurch.org for more info and remember:
At NJC, we're not a "real" church -- we just call ourselves that for tax purposes!
HELP NEEDED
I'm not a "real" prophet, I'm a Christian character actor and comic playing the part of Peter the Roman (please don't worship me!)
I started a new church called New Jack Church in order to satisfy the community service requirement of my parole (please don't confuse us with New Jack Church United -- they're a cult!)
So anyway, I'm looking for a cool satirical Christian artiste to be my new artistic director (the last one blocked me from contacting her!)
I intend to register NJC as a real non-profit organization [insert punch-line here] as soon as I get the min. number of people to qualify as a "church" -- so if this sounds like something you'd wanna jump into, then please hit me up, I'm good for a laugh if nothing else.
God bless! (unless you're offended by the invocation of a deity in which case, FUCK OFF!!!)
ANNUAL "FUN" RAISER
New Jack Church is having a "fun" raiser. We're raising money to finance the construction of our new sanctuary... well, okay, our first sanctuary.
Because of our rigid theology, we only accept donations in Jewish shekels (sorry, no checks -- we're against banking in all its forms!) -- but we do have a PayPal account (and when I say 'we', I mean 'me'!!!), so please: 'sow a seed and reap a reward; we'll take whatever the f*ck you can afford!'
www.newjackchurch.org
Spreading the gospel "street by street, block by block!"
Levirate Marriage
'Twas 3000 years ago
When the Pharaoh let us go
To reclaim our rightful land
Given by divine command
There, I grew up with my brother
Next to him, there was no other
Six-pack abs and perfect tan
You might say, the perfect man
All our father's wealth was his
By the precept of Moses
Never sinned once in his life
Had a porn star for a wife
But of course, this made me jealous
When I hung out with the fellas
Cursing God for my bad luck
"OMG!" and "WTF!"
Then one day, the evil came
Foreigners annulled our claim
When they sought to have us driven
Off the land that God had given
So my brother took his sword
Didn't hide from the draft board
Kissed his lovely wife goodbye
To become the Lord's G.I.
So he left his happy home
To fulfill our ancient tome
And his wife began to weep
Gaining weight and losing sleep
Meanwhile, I was feeling nervous
Asking God why I deserved this
Then I heard my Savior say
"It's because you're acting gay!"
So I said, "Oh shit! Please save me!
Don't let Philistines enslave me!
I'll do anything, I swear it!
If the sandal fits, I'll wear it!"
"Calm down nigga!" said the Lord
"You will have yer life restored!
But the brother that you crossed
In this conflict, he'll be lost!"
Then I wept a bitter tear
Kneeling down in reverent fear
"Oh if I could take his place
And remove my own disgrace..."
"But you can!" my Savior smiled
"Take his wife and have his child
Name your firstborn after him
Grafted in like Ephraim!"
What a mighty God we serve
Giving what we don't deserve
Now you know da 'Gangsta Gospel'
"If you believe, then all things is poss'ble!"
(Deut 25:5-6) If brethren dwell together, and one of them die, and have no child, the wife of the dead shall not marry without unto a stranger: her husband's brother shall go in unto her, and take her to him to wife, and perform the duty of an husband's brother unto her. 6 And it shall be, that the firstborn which she beareth shall succeed in the name of his brother which is dead, that his name be not put out of Israel.
Prayer to Isis
Your WORD is beautiful,
pure and good.
It reverberates my eardrums,
echoing off the corners of my heart,
sending shockwaves through my spirit from the start;
It restoketh my coals.
In the beginning was the WORD;
And the WORD became flesh of my flesh and bone of my bones, making love to me in the sonic Eden of an ancient West-African responsorial, lost to recorded history, but eternally reiterated by the sublime mannerisms and 'black swagger' of a dispersed trace of a sanctified race renewed by HIS grace.
Swaying and swooning,
Caressing and crooning,
Softer and smoother your WORD became
as mine grew stronger, louder and longer,
rowdier and wronger 'til it remained
Sprung and erect
by the jacking effect
that you orally project
on my mentally stiff neck
But I dieflect --
Hung and hungry and hunting for a honey,
in a desperate hurry to get hooked up with this
*Black Playboy Bunny*
Yes...
As I rest
(her mocha breasts pressed against my chest,
blessed by smoking incense)
Your WORD tempts, tests,
placing me under its sweet duress! --
wresting my flesh with furtive pecks (flirting and flitting as I interject this vernacular nonsense -- strokes of genius chokes my penis soaked by Venus --
Sex...
as I stare down at your messed-up frizzy hair bearing down on my [you-know-where], whizzing! -- busily throttling my bottle with full-glottalled vowels coddling my cerebral bowels,
straddling my mind with unbridled rhymes as you saddled my poetic lines with prophetic wine...
((But only when the planets align))
Make love to me... my sister, my spouse
As my telltale heart ratifies oral vows
Spoken in runes as the Spirit allows
My girl to discard her lyrical blouse
Make love to me, sister, I'm yours to arouse
Make love to me, darling... my spiritual muse
Flaunting her breasts for my eyes to peruse
Bathed in the sun as I feel myself lose
All sense of myself as these shadows confuse
The offers she made that no man could refuse
The way that I lose all worldly concerns
Whenever my gaze is fixed upon yours
The way that I lose all notion of time
Whenever we muse over matters sublime
The way that I lose every sense of myself
Whenever I'm thinking of nobody else
The way that I lose my all my dumb inhibitions
Whenever you tempt me with sensual visions
And then there's the way that I lose my own life
As I give you the Glory, who now is my Wife
Moonlighting Strangers
Do you remember me, moonlighting stranger?
We met in the bar
You got in my car
You didn't live far
You looked like a star
Me and you
Ready to
Get into
Something new
I offered to walk you to your door
Just as I had done so many times before
And always will forevermore
Moonlighting Stranger, do you remember?
Harvest moon
'Clair de Lune'
Clothing strewn
Very soon
Knowing glance
True romance
Second chance
Shall we dance?
You invited me up for a cup of tea
Then I asked you, "So, where were we?"
Then you answered, "Please don't leave me..."
Do you remember me, Moonlighting Stranger?
I made your heart cry
And told you goodbye
I heard you ask why
I gave no reply
Navigation
LORD JESUS CHRIST,SON OF THE FATHER,SEND NOW YOUR SPIRIT OVER THE EARTH.LET THE HOLY SPIRIT LIVEIN THE HEARTS OF ALL NATIONS,THAT THEY MAY BE PRESERVEDFROM DEGENERATION, DISASTER AND WAR.MAY THE LADY OF ALL NATIONS,WHO ONCE WAS MARY,BE OUR ADVOCATE.AMEN.
LORD JESUS CHRIST,
SON OF THE FATHER,
SEND NOW YOUR SPIRIT OVER THE EARTH.
LET THE HOLY SPIRIT LIVE
IN THE HEARTS OF ALL NATIONS,
THAT THEY MAY BE PRESERVED
FROM DEGENERATION, DISASTER AND WAR.
MAY THE LADY OF ALL NATIONS,
WHO ONCE WAS MARY,
BE OUR ADVOCATE.
AMEN.
