Canto
XXVI
Gangster
Gospel
Canto XXVI
Petrus Romanus
How to Handle Self-Abuse
(A hands-off approach)
Self-abuse is an issue that touches almost everyone! But above all, please understand: You are not alone! Keep it up!
True, time was when it was once recommended for men to go jogging or take cold showers in order to get it under control, but that was in the days before liquid soap and body sponges were mass-marketed to men!
My advice? -- Be patient and whatever you do, don't let it get to your head! After all, if you can just manage to hold on long enough, you should be able to stick it out! -- although I should warn you: Self-abuse is one problem that, if left unmanaged, can only become bigger! -- So be up front about it and don't try to hide it or think that you can somehow put it behind you! The only way to handle it is to deal with it head-on -- just lay it all out on the table and give yourself some slack!
You might also try finding a suitable outlet for that pent-up stress! But don't worry, there's no pressure! There are several ways to release the tension -- or on the other hand, should temptation arise, try to unwind at a local hangout where you can just let go and be around other company stiffs (after work when they all get off!) -- perhaps the neighborhood sports bar, where you can chalk up that old cue stick and shoot one off in the side pocket just before the cocktail waitress with the nice rack returns to bring you your screwdriver with a smile and a friendly "What's up?" Maintain eye-contact as she stirs your sip-straw and apologizes for inquiring as to when you would be settling your tab (but she kinda' has to cuz it's getting so huge and, well, she's been stiffed before!) -- and by the way, don't forget that the kitchen closes at the stroke of midnight! -- but bless Jesus, there won't be any cheese on your nachos tonight, buster, cuz yer running the table! AMEN!! Yes! -- and no sooner will you be able to get a'hold of yourself, that you'll soon notice yourself growing -- yes, growing in the spirit!
Any health effects to male chastity? Other for the fact that the turtle will sometimes recede into its shell for days on end, you'll be fine! In fact, you'll even be healthier! Sex addiction is a real disease and can contribute to elevated stress levels which would impede sexual performance, should you be blessed with a real relationship -- and I'm not just yanking your chain, either! In fact, now that we've rolled out our new self-abuse hotline: 666-JERK, our ex-spurts are ready to handle even the most sticky situations. Yep, help is right at your fingertips! -- but we do get flooded at times, so if the line is busy, please don't be frustrated! Just keep tight and remain on hold as you rock out to the instrumental covers of George Michael's greatest hits!
Thank you for spending time thumbing through this self-help manual! But before we finish it off, let's keep in mind that no matter how the ungodly try to manipulate it, the hard truth is always within your grasp! So please feel free to pick up this handbook (which comes with 3 moderate-level Sudokus) handy for future reference and above all, don't forget: You're in control so don't be afraid to take matters into your own hands! Just relax, get a grip and by all means, STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!
Priest Fatigue
Priest fatigue...
Knowing all mysteries
Unable to tell them
Who will listen?
And if any listen, who will understand?
And if they understand, who will believe?
Big fish in a small pond
Like the fake blonde leading the fake blonde
Gone in fifty seconds!
I've become a lyrical vagabond
Whose word is his only bond
Soon to be published?
Yeah -- in Zondervan...
But until then, I'm a mad monk
A sad punk who's a tad drunk
Or maybe just a college grad with spunk
Or a drummer playing some bad funk
Like a skunk on top of my dad's trunk
It's a slam dunk! -- so allow me to debunk
The myths that you had thunk...
Cuz you'll neva know da real me
Ya feel me?
Like a wheelie, I'm poppin'
Droppin'
Dis lyrical shyt I be ploppin'
Hip-Hoppin'
Flying kites like Mary Poppins
Or maybe Pippy Longstocking
Jocking no-stoppin' (all around the clock'n)
When the going get tough, yeah... the tough go shoppin'!
Don't tell me to shut-up! Can't you see?
-- I'm just talking
Like a squawk-box, I keep squawking
'Dead man walking!'
Like the silhouette on the ground they be chalking
Crime scene -- cordon of the block'n
Either way, it was all a goddamn dream
Used ta'read da lyrical thought-stream, tryin'a redeem
my money-makin' scheme, cuz...
Cash rules everything around me -- but I'm the one gettin' CREAMED!!
Nobody listens
So I add a little splice
Of Caribbean spice
With a dash of Miami Vice, and
Riuniti on ice, and I'm
Cussin' like Andrew Dice, and...
Might as well give'em what they came for, you know...
-- Jesus Christ?
Yeah right!
How 'bout another slice of life?
Will that suffice? -- Nice!
Café Demetrio
Am I your soul mate?, a woman asked her husband.
No, he laughed, You're my roommate!
Fine, she shrugged, In that case, you're my checkmate!
For those who prefer poetry readings to bikini contests, the Gables nightlife can be considerably more upscale and refined than that of storied South Beach or the famed Hard Rock just south of Ft. Lauderdale. Known for the Biltmore Hotel, the Miami Hurricanes and the Miracle Theatre (not to mention several high-end boutique shops and restaurants), Coral Gables has an air of class and bohémien sophistication that belie the more bawdy contingents (perhaps contagions?) of contemporary club culture.
Nestled in this netting of neatly-swept streets -- with names like Alhambra Circle and Ponce de León Boulevard, is a quaint coffeehouse patterned after the great Parisian cafés that flourished in an era when class distinctions were as hard to penetrate as the hull of the Titanic or the Maginot line. Once inside, our elegant hostesses will invite you to any one of our indoor or outdoor tables; but if you see the devil sitting on midair, it's perfectly fine to ask him to switch seats.
In addition to espresso, there is also a wine bar comprised of the owner's personal favourites. A great connoisseur of Mediterranean cuisine, he often throws lavish parties with Greek salads sprinkled with goat cheese and olives, oozing with oil as the lyric voice of Andrea Bocelli soars through hidden Bose Wave speakers; but if you've just returned from a bridge to nowhere, you may as well hang onto the map.
Above the door to the patio, hangs a print of the Theotokos staring out toward the viewer as the infant stares up at her, perfectly symbolizing the divine ecology of grace dispensed by the Madonna in the flesh of Christ. Yet there are such as would twist the head of the Goddess toward the infant, and the infant toward us in shamed-faced rebellion against the holy government; and yet, how much farther away from Jesus are they that cry his name the loudest?
The creator of the Universe cannot also enter into his own creation and die for it. Hence a Universe inclusive of iniquity requires both a creator and a saviour distinct of each other. Since the saviour and creator speak as one in the soul of temporal Christ, they are the same in body, but not in spirit. Inasmuch as the creator resurrected the soul and flesh of Christ, she is coRedemptoris:
(Luke 2:34-35) And Simeon blessed them, and said unto Mary his mother, Behold, this child is set for the fall and rising again of many in Israel; and for a sign which shall be spoken against; 35(Yea, a sword shall pierce through thy own soul also,) that the thoughts of many hearts may be revealed.
When Christ 'gave up the ghost' on the Cross of Calvary, his death was final. The Resurrection was not about him, it was about us. We needed his body and soul to be resurrected in the Immaculate Heart of the Creator in order so that the Universe would know not to obey unrighteous prayers. Otherwise, the Creator herself becomes subject to evil and death and if God dies at any time, she dies at all times and the Universe would never have been created. But the Resurrection spoke corporately on behalf Christ's Heart, which had lost the consciousness of Christ, but was resurrected in the divinity of Mary:
(Rev 1:18) I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death.
Thus, it was his body (and not his spirit), that God resurrected -- LORD Jesus didn't hide out in hell for three days and then spring back to life; if death resurrects, it never died -- instead, it goes on a three-day holiday cruise to the Bahamas, playing shuffleboard with Baelzebob -- 'Hot! Hot! Hot!' blaring over the loudspeakers:
(John 2:19-21) Jesus answered and said unto them, Destroy this temple, and in three days I will raise it up. 20Then said the Jews, Forty and six years was this temple in building, and wilt thou rear it up in three days? 21But he spake of the temple of his body.
When we sinned, our subliminal consciousness inverted the meaning of the Tetragrammaton; but when we converted, we spoke the Divine Name Yeshua in subliminal Hebrew. Just as Jehovah is the superimposition of Adonai + Yahweh; Yeshua is the superimposition of the Shem + Yahweh, or simply, ManGod as the divine Adam was necessarily Semitic. The Hebrew Word Yeshua is the grammatical doorway to the Holy Spirit; every word that proceeds from the mouth of a Believer is sublimely prefixed by this psychic appellation, heard only of God, and is valid confession (inclusive of situations where overt confession would be detrimental or unwise):
(Rom 8:26-27) but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered. And he that searcheth the hearts knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, because he maketh intercession for the saints according to the will of God.
Now must we have two saviours: Mary who created and resurrected the Universe; and Christ whose salvific obedience to mankind's sin, stood between Man and God long enough for the sins of the world to be transmuted onto his body, thus preventing sin from entering the Blessed Virgin at the moment of her Conception. Christ is a sponge, soaking up all the sin in the Universe; and all Heathen are a part of that patchwork sponge. Jesus Christ died for us in Iraq and Afghanistan; Serbia and the Sudan. The Cross is everywhere and thus, it is our solemn duty to love them that are our enemies for Christ's sake:
(Matt 25:37-40) Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? 38When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? 39Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? 40And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
On the adjacent walls, hang portraits the grandmasters: Paul Morphy; Ruy Lopez; and José Raúl Capablanca, men who (as the owner puts it) were able to see the "truth of the board." In these, we find the essence of genius, whether it were the innovative genius of Morphy who employed unconventional techniques and strategies (revolutionizing the game), or the more bookish genius of Gary Kasparov, whose opponents often find themselves bludgeoned by the brute force of his book-memorization. Before you can play Kasparov, you must first understand both the strengths and deficits of every grandmaster in chess history (or else build a computer that does!)
A passed Pawn increases in strength as the number of pieces on the board diminishes.
(José Raúl Capablanca, world champion 1921-27)
Very few patrons have ever bested the owner of Café Demetrio at his own game, but should you ever endeavour to, I offer you this: never pat yourself on the back while holding a blood-stained knife (and try not to kick yourself with your victim's shoes!)
That's a bad move, I told Demetrio.
How come?
Because you just lost your rook.
Demetrio laughed, But I got both your knight and bishop in exchange.
But the knight is the most powerful piece, I countered.
Why is that?
Because a king and a queen together equal one (k)night!
That is true, answered Demetrio, and in chess, the puns always move first!
I resign.
Marriage Vows
O, what a surprise!
To look in your eyes
And see God devise
So perfect a prize
For you and I both
On God's Sabbaoth
As our voices quoth
So sacred an oath
As love's labour found
Because we've been crowned
With jewels all around
In Christ, safe and sound
So let us be strong
For not before long
This ancient love song
To us, will belong
Blessed Virgin
Condescend
Let this marriage
Never end
Save us from
Thy Father's wrath
Wash us in
Thy bloody bath
Help us see
Through all these lies
Loving life
With brand new eyes
Then our hearts
Of stone so cold
Shall become
As solid gold
And together
We'll grow old
Greatest story
Ever told
Navigation
LORD JESUS CHRIST,SON OF THE FATHER,SEND NOW YOUR SPIRIT OVER THE EARTH.LET THE HOLY SPIRIT LIVEIN THE HEARTS OF ALL NATIONS,THAT THEY MAY BE PRESERVEDFROM DEGENERATION, DISASTER AND WAR.MAY THE LADY OF ALL NATIONS,WHO ONCE WAS MARY,BE OUR ADVOCATE.AMEN.
LORD JESUS CHRIST,
SON OF THE FATHER,
SEND NOW YOUR SPIRIT OVER THE EARTH.
LET THE HOLY SPIRIT LIVE
IN THE HEARTS OF ALL NATIONS,
THAT THEY MAY BE PRESERVED
FROM DEGENERATION, DISASTER AND WAR.
MAY THE LADY OF ALL NATIONS,
WHO ONCE WAS MARY,
BE OUR ADVOCATE.
AMEN.
